Dear Tabulas,
POSTED AT 07:05 AM

DerFuhrer_Dyszel

It has been so very long since I have written anything at all and much longer since I have had a serious post here.  So much has changed in my life and I lie awake feeling the need to write about it.  I am left feeling weary of writing as my memories associate writing with terrible times in my life, but I believe in change and starting anew and have decided not to allow those feelings to cloud my passions.

My life has fallen upon some very difficult and hard times, just as everyone's life will inevitably face.  I do not feel I am any different from any one else out there.  I believe these hard times can help me learn and only serve to ultimately make me a stronger person.  I do however miss those I have met along the way that have helped me just a push forward in my struggle.

I have met so many good people along the way and it is my deepest regret that I have been unable to keep ties with many of them.  I have lost good friends, closed doors on beneficial friendships, and turned my back on people who needed me when they needed me the most.  I was so consumed in my own struggles that I feel I may have neglected the needs of my some of my dearest friends the most.  For that I am tremendously sorry and I only hope they can find it within their hearts to forgive me for those grave mistakes.  While I feel these words will fall on deaf ears, I can only hope that the message behind them somehow reach those who need it the most.

With that said, my life has indeed changed in many ways I did not really consider possible.  For the first time in my life, I turned my back on the dream job and career I had spend so many years trying to obtain.  While I do feel terrible about declining the job, I must say I think it was one of the best decisions that I had made in my life.  For once, I chose to put aside the seriousness of what we call life and just stop to enjoy living it.  This is a major step in my life for people like me who tend to drive ourselves to our breaking point before realizing that taking our lives too seriously is ultimately incredibly damaging in the long-run.

I now am a proud owner of a kayak which is consequently one of the most whimsical and nonsensical purchase I made this year and conversely one of the best decisions I could have made.  I now spend my weekends off on the water, going back to nature, and appreciating the simplicity of life....while of course attempting to fish.   

I am appreciating the difficulties of my job more and more as I learn some very valuable lessons.  I have met incredible people in my job and I absolutely adore my coworkers.  I have come to realize that while I may chase after something "better" than what I have, I will most likely never again find that cohesion and helpfulness my coworkers share.  In a difficult job, we have developed a mutual understanding that binds us in ways that it is unusual to find in the modern workforce.  For this, I am incredible grateful for having the privilege to know such amazing and patient people!  They are definitely people who have developed their own value system in life and are comfortable living their chosen lifestyles.  They are really quite inspiring!

I have finally achieved the release of many negative pent-up emotions I had harbored for many years.  A week or so ago, I was able to finally confront the source of many of my frustrations in life.  I felt a major relief confronting that demon of my life and letting those feelings out.  It was a small but incredible triumph in my life, allowing me the freedom to finally step forward in my life. 

I quit writing.  For the most part, this is the first time I have written anything at all in nearly a year.  I am uncertain whether or not this is good for me.  I terribly miss writing and long to turn back to it, but the time I used to spend writing I now spend with friends and family, which has been incredibly valuable to me.  I do very much those I used to write with though and wish them the best in their lives.  I so much want to continue writing with them but I feel I need to find a healthy balance between writing and living.  I used to spend more time writing than living my life and it created bouts of deep depression which clouded my ability to appreciate and live life.  Had I continued to write, I doubt I would have ever gotten out on the water and thus would have deprived myself of a new passion in life....kayak fishing.  :D  While I am still but a lowly amateur angler, I have the heart of a real angler. 

My debts are slowly being repaid and that lessening of those financial burdens in my life has definitely eased up much of the stress in my life.  I am beginning to break free of those debts enough to enjoy the money I earn which I will definitely enjoy with my upcoming trip to Europe!

I know this seems such a ridiculous post to be making, but I lie awake feeling the need to put my thoughts into words and this is what came out.    I am for the most part cutting it short as the sun is up enough to start swimming without being destroyed by the early morning bugs and I have a very busy day ahead of me.  It was enjoyable sharing this with you today!

 

Love,

Jessica

 

 

Poem
POSTED AT 09:04 AM

DerFuhrer_Dyszel

Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night

Dylan Thomas


"Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on that sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light."

 

A poem is much akin to a meteorite entering the atmosphere.  A star gazer might catch the elusive brilliant burn that streaks briefly across the sky to dazzle the observer and call to his friend "hey look!"  By the time his friend looks up to see what has caused his friend such excitement, the streak of light is gone.

 

We often see an interpretation that others do not.  By the time we try to convey it, the powerful quality it has is already gone.  Rather than trying to get others to see it, enjoy the moment!  It is yours to behold.  Bask in its glory and hope that maybe one day a fellow star gazer will stand by your side and see the meteorite with you.  Poets need not argue interpretation.  Darkness to some was a shooting star to another.

 

 

Crime and Punishment Quote
POSTED AT 12:23 AM

DerFuhrer_Dyszel

 

"I like people to talk nonsense. It is man's unique privilege, among all other organisms. By pursuing falsehood you will arrive at the truth! The fact that I am in error shows that I am human. You will not attain to one single truth until you have produced at least fourteen false theories, and perhaps a hundred and fourteen, and that is honourable enough in its fashion; but we can't even produce our errors out of our own heads. You can talk the most mistaken rubbish to me, and if it is your own, I will embrace you! It is almost better to tell your own lies than somebody else's truth; in the first case you are a man, in the second you are no better than a parrot! Truth remains; but life can be choked up; there have been instances. Well, what are we all now? We are all, without exception, children in the kindergarten, in respect of science, progress, thought, invention, ideals, desires, liberalism, judgment, experience, and everything, everything, everything! We have been content to rub along on other people's ideas -- we have rusted away!" (p. 193-194) -- Razumikhin, Crime and Punishment, Fyodor Dostoevsky, Oxford World's Classics.



Dostoevsky, F. (1998). Crime and Punishment. New York: Oxford University Press.

Surviving a Bear Attack
POSTED AT 11:29 PM

DerFuhrer_Dyszel

So in the event I find myself fistacuffing bears and kicking them in the balls....

 

http://theoatmeal.com/quiz/bear_balls

 

 

 

 

http://www.heyquiz.com/quiz/bear-attack33

 

 

Ice Age 3 Quote
POSTED AT 03:57 AM

DerFuhrer_Dyszel

 

"Guys don't talk to guys about problems. We just punch each other in the shoulder. That's like six months of therapy."